Monday, March 29, 2010

I was a brute beast before you

I am reading through Psalms right now and the other day I came upon this passage Psalm 73:21-26:

21 When my heart was grieved
and my spirit embittered,

22 I was senseless and ignorant;
I was a brute beast before you.

23 Yet I am always with you;
you hold me by my right hand.

24 You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory.

25 Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.

26 My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.



This is exactly how I sometimes feel when I give into lusts like a brute beast senseless and out of control. I hate that feeling when my body seems to control me.

Sadly I have a confession about a recent incident where I was like an out of control beast that started out innocent enough. As you may know I am new at this blog thing and the other night I learned the hard way I have to be careful what links I click on. I clicked a link that was in a comment on a fellow christian who has same sex attractions blog and ended up on some blog I had not been to before. Well I should have left right away. On this blog there was this long, very graphic and detailed description about him and his boyfriends sex from the night before and well I confess I read the whole blog post and became aroused and then masturbated. I could have closed the blog immediately and should have. That was my first impulse after I read the first couple of sentences and yet I kept on reading.

I am so weak and out of control sometimes. Truly like a mindless beast.

This passage gives me some hope though because even as the writer of this Psalm was saying he was like a beast before God he goes on to say that God was there the whole time so close that God was holding his hand. God gave me the way out of that temptation and I did not take it. Looking back I could almost sense Him nudging me; all I had to do was close out the page after reading the first few words and I would have been fine. The question is why didn't I?

My prayer for tonight is this passage especially the last two verses:
25 Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.

26 My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.


Lord please help me to desire you above all things. Please hold me by the hand and don't give up on me. Forgive me for my weakness and failures and help me to put my hope and trust in you. Jesus be the strength of my heart and help me not give in to temptation. You are all I have and all I want. I don't want to be like a beast who just does what is pleasurable but want to be your child. I love you Lord.

6 comments:

  1. Yeah. I can relate. Check out Psalm 32 as well, especially the last 3 or 4 verses.

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  2. Thanks for visiting again! I am going to look up Psalm 32 right now!

    ok just read it. Really great passage! I especially liked Verses 3-5. While David was trying to hide his sins from God his strength was sapped and it sounds like he was in deep depression probably knowing it was impossible to hide from God but being to proud to confess. Then in Verse 5 when he confesses to God and does not try to hide his sins from God he feels Gods forgiveness and his guilt leaves him.
    Really powerful stuff. I am constantly amazed by Gods love for us when I read passages like this.

    I also liked verse 9 where it says not to be like the horse and mule which you are right is very much like the reference to being like a brute beast in Psalm 73. Anyways thanks for the verse recommendation.

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  3. AJ... What you say in your post is more profound than you could ever know at this time.

    Be careful. Just being involved with people who focus on homosexuality can turn out to be a huge problem. We have to learn the hard way sometimes. I have also learned the hard way that it is not wise to be involved with anything or anyone that focuses on homosexuality.

    They even convince themselves they are pursuing God. but what they really pursue and focus on is homosexuality. Big red flag anytime you see that.

    I guess I'm really one of the lucky ones. I learned all I needed to know about this stuff. It's a dead end street.

    You focus on God, get out while you're still in one peice. Don't get sucked into this vortex, you may never get out. If you think you're broken now, wait a while, because it doesn't end.

    It feels good now...all warm and cozy, bright and new...but don't stick around too long becasue you won't never make it out of this stuff. This get's real old and tired, dark and dreary.

    Go focus on God and His Word...learn about all that He made you to be, not what these people want to make you believe you are. Focusing on homosexuality is not God's best for anyone. The adversary gets way too much attention and he'll get to you in the end, slowly but surely.

    They go around and around homosexuality. It's a cycle that doesn't quit, and the more they focus the deeper they are stuck. You'll see what I'm saying in time.

    Run don't walk. Get out and don't look back. What God has for you is never wrapped up in homosexuality in any form.

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  4. Thanks for your comment and concern Anonymous. I can see some wisdom in your post but also am confused by some of it. I will quote your comment and try to respond to it.

    Be careful. Just being involved with people who focus on homosexuality can turn out to be a huge problem. We have to learn the hard way sometimes. I have also learned the hard way that it is not wise to be involved with anything or anyone that focuses on homosexuality.

    I mean this is one of the reasons I am so lonely sometimes as I am afraid people will reject me if they know I struggle with this. I am afraid to tell friends and people at church thinking they will avoid me. So are you saying this blog was a mistake and I should delete it?

    I guess I'm really one of the lucky ones. I learned all I needed to know about this stuff. It's a dead end street.

    I know its a dead end street and have been battling these desires for most of my life. Its not something I want but its there inside me whether I want it or not.


    It feels good now...all warm and cozy, bright and new...but don't stick around too long because you won't never make it out of this stuff. This get's real old and tired, dark and dreary.


    Actually these feelings have never made me happy. I have always been in constant guilt and have struggled with them since I was 12. I agree it did get old long ago but ignoring them did not make them go away. Even praying earnestly to be healed did not make them leave.

    They even convince themselves they are pursuing God. but what they really pursue and focus on is homosexuality. Big red flag anytime you see that.

    Who are "They"? If you are talking about the 3 other people who have commented on my blog I strongly disagree. All three have been very Christ-like towards me and have encouraged me to keep up the fight while sharing their own struggles as well. None of them suggested I should give into these feelings.

    Go focus on God and His Word...learn about all that He made you to be,

    This is good advice. I agree I should read my Bible more. It is something I have been trying to do a better job of lately.

    not what these people want to make you believe you are.
    Again I have to defend the readers and comments here. None of them ever said anything to me that I feel was steering me in direction of giving in.

    Focusing on homosexuality is not God's best for anyone. The adversary gets way too much attention and he'll get to you in the end, slowly but surely.

    I agree there could be a danger if I become to obsessed with these feelings. I definitely don't want them to be the only thing that defines me or the only thing I think about as that would be a problem. And you are right I dont want to leave a doorway for satan to open. But I mean its kind of not very hopeful to tell someone who is already feeling down and guilty about their struggles that in the end all of my resistance to these SSA is useless and eventually I will fail and satan will get me.

    They go around and around homosexuality. It's a cycle that doesn't quit, and the more they focus the deeper they are stuck. You'll see what I'm saying in time.

    Again I dont know who "they" are. Do you mean all Christians who struggle with same sex attractions? Or people you know? Or who?

    Run don't walk. Get out and don't look back. What God has for you is never wrapped up in homosexuality in any form.

    You say to run and don't look back. I mean where should I run? I have been trying to run from it since I was 12. I know God did not want me to be like this but I cant change the sinful mess I am on my own without Gods help. And if I am not healed for some reason I will continue to try my best to be celibate and honor Him even if it means I live a lonely life.

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  5. AJ,

    You packed a lot of questions in there...

    AJ are you involved with "ex-gays" outside of blogging, just curious? Becasue the internet is not reality and these are not real relationships.

    Sometimes it's actually best to keep things to yourself. I'm sure you're not the only one in church struggling with intense homosexuality. Try to understand you're probably just like a lot of your married friends, who probably also struggle secretly. If they dont know about what you're dealing with, chances are you probably dont know about them either.

    What i'm saying is that people in this realm focus way way too much on homosexuality...when homosexuality is the theme it's never a good thing in the end. you see that in time. They are all wrapped up in it. And it's not healthy as it seems on the surface. Keep in mind I'm making a generalization, not singling out anyone, but we need to make generalizations everyday in life.

    When refering to a dead end street I wasnn't talking about homosexuality, that's a given, I'm talking about all of this focus on homosexuality in "ex-gay" ministry. I know your going to explore this, and it's something new to you... I'm just saying be real real careful. You should check out the countless blog posts of the ex-ex-gays. This ministry leaves a lot of people "dissillusioned" as they say and hurting and so they go back to homosexuality.

    I think the focus they put on homosexuality is too much and leaves people open for spiritual attack. These posts and comments go on and on for years on end, the same old stuff over and over. Get back out there with your so called "straight" friends (your more like them than you know) and just focus on living a Godly life. This is ok to drop in and say hello... glean a little here and there, but my advice is do NOT get sucked into it. All I'm saying is be really careful. Trust me.

    As for where do you run? Where can anybody run but to the Lord? There's no where else to go.

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  6. Thanks for answering some of my questions Anonymous. Sorry I misunderstood parts of your first comment. You have given me alot to think about.

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