Hey all. I just really need your prayers right now. I feel so overwhelmed with life and my struggles. I am afraid to tell others of my struggles with SSA, and afraid to keep it in. I feel like I waited to long and now its impossible to tell people. They will think I am strange for waiting so long to admit this. I dont feel like a man but a child. I feel like my whole life has been spent in hiding and I dont know how to un-hide.
I sometimes wish I could go back in time and try to re-live my life with what I now know. I gotta stop doing that as it just drives me crazy thinking how things could be different. I have to forget the past pain and loneliness and try to make future joy. I just hope I can someday find some happiness and peace. And I really dont even know where to start which is one of the reasons I am so overwhelmed. I do know I need to form closer relationships with other Christians though. Please pray for me that God will lead me to some Christians that I can form closer relationships with and that I can find some peace. I just am so confused about everything.
Yeah...you know, I've been wrestling with a lot lately. But I called up a good friend of mine last night and IMed with another good friend about my temptation...and it helped.
ReplyDeleteWhat would peace look like for you?
What would peace look like for you?
ReplyDeleteHmm its a good question. I guess just feeling like I am accepted and one of the guys. Its hard to say. I just feel like I have always been an outsider because of this. I guess I will never have full peace though since I know my SSA will always be a thorn in my flesh that wont allow it.
Also I guess accepting myself would also bring me some peace. I still cant figure out why I am like this. All I ever wanted was to just be a normal guy. But for whatever reason I am like this so I have to learn to accept it since it does not seem like I will be healed. Of course that is easier said than done.
Oh and I thought of another thing. I hate feeling jealous of others! Thats another area I have to work on to get peace. Like when I see a happy young husband and wife I get almost physical pain sometimes because thats what I want but I dont think I will have. I hate feeling that as I know its wrong to be jealous. I have to instead try and be happy for them and just think of other things that God blessed me with. I have a long way to go in this area to.
So ya I am a mess I guess. Those are a few things I thought of. Thanks for posing the question.
What would give you peace if you dont mind sharing?
AJ,
ReplyDeleteYour words hit my heart, at times things/thoughts get overwhelming. Just know you are not alone, sure will pray.
A couple sites/testimonies that I have found recently that really encouraged me. If these guys can make it, we can as well.
Blog: michaelglatze.blogspot.com (he comes from a radical background of homosexuality and now speaks very openly about the change that has taken place in his life.)
Website: http;//xxxchurch.com/getinvolved/index/blog/mystrugglewithhomosexuality.html
AJ,
ReplyDeletePraying for you today man! Just came in from laying in the sun at the park and thinking while watching the clouds float by.
I recommend setting some time aside, with no distractions at all, to just consider what is taking place in your heart and mind. Taking a posture of letting go of it all and center yourself with some prayer and waiting.
All too often, when I am besieged by so many circumstances and situations, I throw myself into devouring information, searching, questing, talking and communicating with others in order to numb all the emotions that I am feeling.
This makes it all the more confusing, as everyone has different ideas and suggestions that all too often do not mesh with what I am feeling, know or believe. It is really easy to turn to the phone, to friends, to email, to blogs, to IM and chat...when I really need to turn to HIM.
Be Still and KNOW that I AM GOD.
Be Still and KNOW that I AM.
Be Still and KNOW that I.
Be Still and KNOW that.
Be Still and KNOW.
Be Still.
Be...
My thoughts and prayers are with you today, mah fren! :D
Daemon
Daemon thanks man!
ReplyDeleteI appreciate the advice and prayers. Ya I know what you mean about numbing the pain by finding distractions. I have done that alot in the past. Today I have been embracing the pain and laying it before God instead. Your right I gotta focus on God not other things.
Also I really like that "Be Still" thing you wrote! I am going to set aside some time tonight to just be calm and quite and "Be Still" with God.